Humans owned by flying squirrels (HOFs) have long been able to recognize one another at first sight.
The general population, however, has not realized the sensitivity of these individuals they often consider "odd." It
is the attempt of this paper to interpret the behavior that is so misunderstood and often repulsive to nonowned humans.
One of the most common behavior seen in HOFs is the constant "chipping" sounds they make when accompanying their owners.
HOFs will frequently "chip" while looking down the front of their shirts. This is often accompanied by interspersed verbalizations
of "Gimme a kiss." Non-HOFs usually start moving way at this point.
A frequent behavior often repulsive to Non-HOFs is the feathery stroking that HOFs do to their upper torsos until they
finally come to concentrate on a specific "lumpy"area. HOFs have been known to continue this stroking for hours at a time,
undisturbed by the glares of Non-HOFs. Indeed, HOFs seems not to notice the reactions of those around them. An example of
the altered state of conscious that HOFs enter is the unselfconscious way they can walk around with a piece of pecan in their
front teeth. This is often seen along with the "chipping down the shirt" vocalizations.
HOFs have a distress call that usually occurs when they are dressed in their best finery. It begins with a loud, "Oh
No!" followed by, "You peed on my best dress/shirt/whatever." Although initially distressed,HOFs quickly recover and seldom
change their clothing.
There is a decided lack of social skills in HOFs when it comes to their owners. All HOFs think non-HOFs are as interested
in their FS owner as they are. It is without a doubt this extreme myopic view that enables a HOFs to wax eloquently about
their FS owners' "jewels" doubling in size overnight and saying it with great pride.
There has been a disturbing movement under way to have a new diagnostic category added to the current list of mental
illnesses. This would come under the PersonalityDisorders with a CO-morbid fetish included. This is obviously a political
issue motivated by strong lobbying from the Blue Bird Association which is spreading the ugly rumor that FSs (and the humans
they own) prey on innocent BB eggs. The fact that the BBA is attempting to influence the American Psychiatric Association
(APA) to amend it's current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) to include this category, speaks for itself as to the
divisiveness being set up among wildlife groups.
I call for all HOFs to come out of their closet Dreys and walk upright with pride. There are many of us and if we unite
and resist external pressures, we will triumph!
As "weird" as Humans Owned by Flying Squirrels seem at times, the ultimate cause of their behavior is unadulterated
love for a small furry creature who privilege them with trust, joy and unbounded exuberance... and that aint bad :-)